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release date=2020

Resume=Set in a suburban fantasy world, two teenage elf brothers, Ian and Barley Lightfoot, go on an journey to discover if there is still a little magic left out there in order to spend one last day with their father, who died when they were too young to remember him

directors=Dan Scanlon

Writed by=Jason Headley

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TL: DR -My Adoption MUM & DAD Only adopted me, to then TAKE ME TO SPAIN and ILLEGALLY give me away TO SOMEONE ELSE WHO SHOULD NOT BE LOOKING AFTER ME. My adoption mum & dad at the last minute decided not to give me over to my Nan & Grandad. And then Nan & Grandad tried to steal me whenever my adoption parents weren't around. I GIVE PERMISSION FOR ANYONE TO SHARE OR USE MY STORY ON SOCIAL MEDIA OR IN ANY VIDEOS. Here is context - I live in the UK, and I have grown up around Child Social Services, I think Americans call it Child Protective Services? And I have grown up in countless of care homes, foster homes, hostels and such like. (Care Home = Orphanage. Anyway, my current mum and dad (Adoption parents) originally only adopted me to GIVE ME AWAY TO SOMEONE ELSE! My Nan and Grandad (Who lived in Spain) wanted to adopt me. However, they failed the assessment and was told by Uk Child Social Services that they were too old to adopt me. My Nan and grandad were VERY UPSET! They both were CRYING down the phone at my mum and dad. Slating the system and saying that the system is "falling apart, I WANT OP. My mum and dad felt very sorry for them. Because my Mum and Dad agreed between the 4 of them. That they would ADOPT ME, BRING ME OVER TO SPAIN, AND GIVE ME TO MY NAN AND GRANDAD. That type of thing is VERY illegal over here. I'm not a present, you CANT just GIVE me to someone else. Especially when the state said NO! However, through the power of GOD, MY PARENTS DECIDED NOT TO GIVE ME AWAY! But unfortunately, this news didn't go down so well with my nan and grandad. They were so angry at my mum and dad. and they used to say things like "You can not go back on your promise, she's our child, NOT YOURS. I found out that the reason why my mum and dad decided to NOT hand me over to my nan and grandad, is because they caught Nanny beating me over crayons and she tried to drown me in an OLD FASHIONED WELL. Grandad was just as bad, I was only 5 years old, and Grandad used to make me work for HOURS AND HOURS on the 100's of dogs they owned at there dog refuge. It didn't accrue to Nanny and Grandad that one day I would need to go to school, that I needed to be fed and washed. And that they both needed not to be in debt. Anyway, it got SO BAD, I and my family were forced out of the house, and we had to quickly scramble to find another home in Spain. Thankfully, they did. And our house was so lovely. However Nanny and Grandad, used to walk around to ALL the neighbours, and tell them something along the lines of "That couple there has my child, she was supposed to go to me, we had an agreement" MAKING EVERYONE IN THE SPANISH VILLAGE HATTEEEE MY PARENTS. The next couple of weeks was hell. My mother was pregnant at this time, but other mothers used to call her names, make fun of her, and just be mean. My Dad got fired as a Security Gaurd only a week later of this scandal. Other kids my age, didn't want to spend time with me, which left me upset. One day, my mum came back to our villa from doing a food shop at our local grocery store. My mum left me with my Nan, because Nanny was in a very good mood that day, and my mum didn't think Nanny would try anything stupid. And my NAN LOCKED THE DOORS AND WINDOWS. She was REFUSING to let my mum back in. My Mum tried to get locals to help her, but none of them would. And my Dad was out of town doing some other type of work to earn a bit of cash. Next thing you know my Grandad pulls up to my mum and dads house in his pickup truck. He got out and pushed my mum so hard, that in her pregnant state, SHE NEARLY FELL! My Grandad told my Mum, that he and Nan were taking me to a friends house, where they wouldn't find me. So they had extra time to speak to Child Services to try and convince them that my MUM AND DAD WAS NOT FIT TO LOOK AFTER ME, SO MY NAN AND GRANDAD COULD ADOPT ME. My mum managed to get to a payphone and she called my Dad who was, 2 HOURS AWAY from our home. My Dad made his way home as FAST as he could after he got that call. And when my Dad got home, HE STARTED FIGHTING WITH MY GRANDAD! My dad told my grandad that if he didn't get my Nan to open the door right now, that he would hurt Grandad even more. Thankfully Grandad was able to convince my Nan to open the door again. AND MY MUM AND DAD STORMED OUR HOUSE! My Mum snatched me back off of my Nan, and my Dad shouted at them both to get the FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK! And from that moment onwards, we had Child Welfare turning up at our house every other day. Due to the amount of alligations that my Nan and Grandad made about my parents, and how apparently they were neglecting me and abusing me (they wasn't. It got so bad, that my Mum and Dad decided to move us all back to England. When we got back to England, for YEARS my Nan and Grandad continuously made allegations against my parents. My Cousins who didn't like my Mum and Dad collaborated with my Nan and my Grandad, to try and get me taken away from my parents still after years of this going on. They even called the POLICE and told them that my Dad WAS A PEDOPHILE AND WAS TAKING PHOTOS OF ME WHILE I WAS NAKED. Of course, that NEVER HAPPENED AND MY DAD IS A LAW ABIDING CITIZEN! In the end, I and my family managed to get a restraining order against ALL OF THEM. And thankfully they have never bothered us ever again.

Onward and upward 1. Becoming increasingly successful; continuing to advance or make progress. After the immense success of his first book, it was all onward and upward for John's writing career. 2. Improving to a brighter, happier future, especially after some misfortune or unpleasant incident. I know you're really disappointed with your result on the midterm, but hey, it's onward and upward from here! onwards and upwards 1. After the immense success of his first book, it was all onwards and upwards for John's writing career from there. I know you're really disappointed with your result on the midterm, but hey, it's onwards and upwards from here! press onward To continue or try to do something with determination, especially when facing hardships or setbacks. It was discouraging to learn that our budget had been cut, but we pressed onward in the hopes of recovering our investment costs. We have to press onward. We've come too far to turn back now! onward and upward Striving to advance and improve. This mid-nineteenth-century rallying cry was invoked by, among others, Frances Anne Kemble (1809–93) in her Lines addressed to the Young Gentlemen leaving the Lenox Academy, Massachusetts: “Fail not for sorrow, falter not for sin, but onward, upward, till the goal ye win. ” Today it is sometimes used ironically, as in the New Yorker magazines title for comments on unwittingly amusing news: “Onward and Upward with the Arts. ”.

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So, to start off, I've read quite a lot about BPD and all signs point to me having it. I just feel like I want to vomit all over myself because the thought of putting someone else through the misery I experienced as a child makes my skin crawl. Also, I see some narc traits in me and it's making me question whether I really should even be interacting with anyone until I see my therapist again. I've always had a very difficult relationship with my mother. I don't know if it's because I've been born with BPD and she somehow fed into it or if her behavior caused my BPD. I just don't know. I guess I'm looking for input from people who have come a little farther on their journey. I'm going to try to give examples from my childhood (as I remember them) for some context. Sorry, this is going to be a long post. I'm extremely confused by everything right now and will try my best to describe the situations from different angles. 1) Alone from early childhood. Before my parents were divorced (mom cheated on dad, as I later found out) we lived in the worst possible neighborhood in the whole country. I don't exactly remember how often this happened, but I was left alone on a regular basis since both my mom and dad worked. I remember drug addicts rattling the door and I was so afraid I started peeing myself from fear. My mom brought me Disney cartoons to watch, so I wouldn't get scared. Also, there was one time when my mother left me alone to buy milk. I was just short of 4 years old then. When she was gone, I opened the window to look out and lost my balance. Fell down 4 stories, was in a coma for a day. I know my dad blamed himself. I've brought the topic up with my mother as I the scars I was left with triggered body dysmorphia for me. Once, in an especially childish fit of rage, I told her it was her fault because a 3-year-old child is not supposed to be left home alone. She answered by getting upset and then telling me that she wanted to take me to the store with her but I started crying and whining, and in her words, she didn't want to deal with that. 2) Not feeling protected. I remember from an early age looking at my mom to feel safe, and I remember not feeling it. The exact memories are so old that I don't recall the context at all. However, I remember being at ease with my father and my paternal grandmother. My mom was not verbally abusive when I was a toddler, it just seemed like she wasn't there. 3) Mom cheating and attracting vulnerable people. My mom destroyed my dad in a sense. Mom and dad were married when my mom cheated on him. Dad found out when he was driving home and saw my mom getting out of the tram with his dog. He was ready to greet her and then saw her greeting and kissing another man. Shortly after my accident, I don't remember well, my mom just took me and we moved away to the person's place she cheated my dad with. I just remember feeling ripped away and confused. What's odd is that even though my mom basically tore my dad's heart apart, he still talks about her with admiration, but it's a very peculiar kind of admiration, and I quote, when your mom was young she was so sure of herself and was admired by everyone for her beauty. It seems like my dad was drawn towards a strong female figure as his dad is an alcoholic and his mom took care of everything in the family. It still bamboozles me how he can conjure the admiration for my mom like that. His current wife is also very pro-active and my dad seems to have become very aggressive in the past 10 years because, it seems to me, he feels like he can't live up to the expectations that she's setting for him. From my point of view, some of the expectations are very reasonable (being present in his son's life and working on himself to be a better father figure) and some do not resonate with my dad's personality (being the manly man, always taking initiative. He just seems depressed and lost. Sometimes I feel angry with him because he was my positive parental figure, but then I also feel sorry because I know how it feels when you try and realize it's just too much. 4) I'm not welcome. It seemed like I annoyed my mom a lot. There were plenty of times when she was reading in the living room and told me 'please go somewhere else, you're annoying me/I want to concentrate. I was so confused because I didn't know what it was that I did wrong. Now, the thing that creeps me out is that I'm also sometimes sensitive to others annoying me. I've lashed out (never physically) at my cat only to feel like I'm going to vomit seconds later or just felt like my SO is annoying me with being near me. I always make a point of saying that it's not absolutely about him, it's me being on edge. Still, what the hell? 5) Love = material belongings, being punished with emotional detachment. Mom was very attached to her things. There were plenty of times when I accidentally lost or broke something (ages 4-12) and as soon as it happened, I got so sick to my stomach because I knew what was coming. One example would be when I was trying to pour myself juice and accidentally got a little splatter on the new wallpaper. I don't remember my mom yelling - it was more like extreme passive-aggressiveness that felt like a complete void of love. She told me to clean the wallpaper with the conditions that every mark must disappear but I must also not damage the wallpaper. I remember looking at it and seeing that the juice had gone into the paper. I tried to coax it out with a wet tissue, but the more I cleaned, the more the paper peeled off. I just cried, thinking that it's impossible to make the void go away. I tried to cover the small peeled spots with a marker of the same color very carefully, but it was apparent the wallpaper had peeled. Hours later, when I was done, my mom took a look at it and just stayed silent. She didn't speak to me for days. I cried and begged, and she just dismissed me in a cold tone. Finally, I don't remember if it was some kind of a holiday, I thought that maybe it would fix things if a took all my pocket money and bought my mom a glass figurine of a horse as she loved horses. I took the bus to the local shopping center and bought it. I went back home, gave it to her while begging for her to forgive me and she just said 'okay then' and that was it. My dad's wife was always appalled how I would give them expensive Christmas presents as a child. I guess, in my eyes, nice things = love. 6) Loving and hating simultaneously. Standards for siblings. It seemed like I was/am her scapegoat and the golden child at the same time, if that's possible. She praised me for my looks, always saying how I was better than everyone else. She would talk about our family history and how we were better because everyone was a doctor or an engineer. She herself was a stay-at-home mom, so I didn't really understand what made us so special as I always felt inferior to other children and tried to be friendly with everyone. She expected me to grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer. She made me change schools (I was not good at adapting to new environments because molding myself to others' was very stressful for me) and it almost felt like she was slowly trying to upgrade me. I remember one winter holiday when I was 12, during which she grounded me for my bad grades as good grades were necessary to switch to a better school. I had to read one book every two days (not children's books, more like classic, eg. "White Fang. practice my Russian and English to the point where I made no mistakes, and so on. It was at that point that something snapped in me. Before that, I was a quiet and weepy child. But during that holiday, I lashed out at her. I don't remember it exactly because I just went black. I screamed at her not to live through me and I might have pushed her, I really don't remember. She pulled back and told me she didn't realize I was under stress. From that point onward, anger seemed like a much more comfortable emotion as it didn't feel as submissive as being in my room and blaming myself. Also, when I lashed out, I actually got some kind of emotional response from her, whether positive or negative. I said extremely hurtful things because in my mind I felt like I was backed into a corner pretty much 24/7. Our relationship was extremely strained from the time I hit puberty 'til the time I graduated high school. I also started missing classes in high school (mom wouldn't let me change schools after primary) because I really didn't care if I was kicked out anymore. I felt like a piece of shit and in my mind, there was nothing to lose. It was at that time that my mom tried to give me some space under the condition that I don't fail school, but I was just too far gone. So afraid of failure and so tired of expectations. I graduated and went into the humanities field. My mom was surprised but surprisingly told me 'you do you. She brought it up later in my life when I had trouble adapting at new workplaces, saying that I made my choice in uni and now I have to deal with it. All in all, it was like a crazy fucking push and pull. She praised me for being smart, special and better, but set firms conditions under which I could flourish (spoiler: didn't really flourish, heh. She bragged about me to her friends while making me solve math problems for 4 hours every day. I just didn't understand. She loved me, she loved me not. Sometimes she tried to calm me, only to go to the other room and tell my stepfather 'mirrorsoflove is in another one of her episodes ugh. My half-brother never had the same expectations from my mom. Granted, he's completely different from me. Not as emotionally labile, extremely introverted and had trouble vocalising words (don't remember the word for the condition) when he was a child. I'm afraid I might have scarred him with my behavior as I was such a turbulent teenager and even when I was younger, I always felt like we competed for love. My mom says she's happy with my brother (which actually makes me happy) but there's the underlying fear that she doesn't recognize that my brother may also be emotionally scarred from bullying and feeling different for his whole life. 7) Assigning me inappropriate responsibilities. Since the age of 6, I was a babysitter to my brother who was 2 at the time. We were often left alone in a big house 'til midnight. There were two memories that stand out. The first was from when I accidentally fell asleep myself and my mom came home and screamed at me because I could've killed my brother. The other time was when lost focus of my brother as I was playing with my toys and he scribbled in my mom's dictionary. She came home and went haywire. Threatened to physically punish me and only when I begged her later not to do it did she say that she didn't even mean it. This actually makes me cry as I'm writing it because my brother was the sweetest kid ever. His smile is still etched in my mind. He was seriously like a ray of pure sunshine. However, I bullied him and always made everything out to be a competition. And then there were the other times when we were alone and I played with him. We were both scared of darkness, so when the evening came, I put on incredibly loud music and we danced together. We also got into friendly tickle-fights and I saw in his eyes that he trusted me - it was the look of a child who got the loving attention they needed. Sometimes the meanness would cross over with the playfulness, it's all a blur to me now. I remember the moments when I snapped out of the shitty behavior and felt good taking care of him. Nowadays, he's so extremely quiet that I almost consider him a stranger in sense of truly 'knowing' him. I hate myself for letting my mother get in the way of sisterly love. It's something I will not get back. 8) Placing my SO on a pedestal + seeing him as a symbol of status. My SO comes from a type of family that my mom naturally envies/admires. His parents are extremely well-off and high on the social status ladder - father's a very successful businessman with a degree in physics, mother's a child neurologist researching breakthrough treatment option. My SO is also very hard-working but in a mostly healthy way. When I introduced him to my mom, I felt like I was witnessing something out of a David Lynch movie. My mom was showering him with love, being so incredibly nice. Like I've never seen her this nice with a person who isn't directly giving her something. Whenever we got into fights with my SO, my mother would always side with him. Now, I understand that she's not supposed to side with me either. A healthy thing would be saying 'I'm sorry this happened' and then analyzing the situation to figure things out, at least in my opinion. Instead, she would say things like 'don't upset him with your neuroticism, he might leave you' which of course triggered my BPD and made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Whenever we go over, mom has prepared all kinds of food and bought plenty of snacks. I learned how to cook for myself when I was 7 or 8. For brief moments, it seems that she has changed but then it's clear that my SO and his positive qualities in her eyes are also a part of my identity and by extension, part of hers. 9) Encouraging ruthlessness. So, whenever I felt down about something, my mom would have the weirdest arguments to console me. For example, I would say that I feel insecure in my very tall body and she would respond with 'don't belittle yourself like that. look at so-and-so, they're short, fat and have crooked legs. that's terrible genes. I still feel like physical beauty is a measure of worth and beat myself up because I'm not ever going to be perfect. Another example would be sharing about arguments I had with good friends and my mom would instantly go 'well, they're fat and terrible. they will never have anything good. their parents are assholes, too. When I was appalled by the reaction my mom just went quiet and sometimes tried to mirror me and soften her tone. When I shared about my friends' struggles with social weaknesses (drug abuse, coming from a broken home etc) it's obvious that my mom doesn't think these people are worth anything. Even with victories, she somehow manages to emphasize how I'm superior and others, therefore, are inferior to me. It's sick because I still get these thoughts that maybe if I do this and this and this, get the prestigious job, or whatever else is high on the 'socially admired' list, I will feel good and whole again. I rationally know I will not, but my first unconscious reaction is always 'yes, this is finally it. and then I have to talk myself out of it because I've already ended up in a hospital for a week after a meltdown due to overworking. 10) Lying and controlling behavior. When I was young, my mom used to go through my stuff. I screamed at her and she would deny it and just lock me out. I'm pretty sure I once caught her admitting to cheating on my step-dad over the phone and I was so pissed off (I have respect for my step-dad, he doesn't deserve shit like this) that I just walked out the door. Kept walking for 20 miles until my mom picked me up. I think I might be traumatized from the memory or misremembering it because I don't remember exactly what it was that gave me the suspicion. It was something particular she said on the phone, but I just don't remember. However, this was one of the few times I've seen fear in my mother's face. She hardly ever says 'I'm sorry' and I don't remember her apologizing in an analytical and thoughtful way. She was trying hard to apologize but it was the weirdest thing ever because what would she apologize for if she did nothing wrong? I don't know. That's one of the areas where I don't trust myself. The times when I caught her lying for sure muddled my own judgment and I generally just don't trust a word she says and I also don't trust my own perception of her. She might be telling the truth, but I'm forever suspicious of her. The suspiciousness is also making it hard to seek treatment. When I ask my mother about what kind of child I was she always goes 'oh you were so good. the teenage years were a bit rough, but they always are' and I just go wtf? Was she raising another daughter on the side? My image of self is so broken that I don't know whether I should trust my memories (some of them are as clear as day, others are more like avalanches of emotion with little remaining context) or the descriptions of the people who were close to me. What the hell do I do next? I feel like I'm in a crisis right now. My physical and mental health have been on a downward spiral for the last few years. I'm 99. 9% sure I have BPD. If not, I have several traits that manifest strongly. I also feel like a god damn narcissist because I can be so damn charming and nice through the shittiest suicidal depression. I feel like I'm fooling people. I talk to my SO a lot and try to keep things open. However, I'm still a jealous shit and sometimes I notice that he's being extra careful with me. I don't want to traumatize him into thinking that everything he does is wrong. I like the feeling of helping other people through emotional distress, although I sometimes wonder if it's some kind of rescuer's complex inherently directed at myself (as a child, I played pretend games where I had to rescue people from danger) or if I'm a sadistic POS who enjoys other people's suffering and feels validated by it. Lately I've just been feeling numb to everything. I'm afraid to feel because I have the emotional maturity of a 5-year-old. The feelings are there but they're very black and white. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to hurt myself or others. I don't want to be a person who only drains people with my never-ending expectations (which I can't even pinpoint anymore) lashings and emotional neediness. Just make it stop. I'm afraid therapy won't help because I'm inherently broken. What if I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy and slowly become my mom, only with slightly different patterns? TLDR: Lots of unresolved issues from childhood. Am I beyond fixing.

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seesaawiki.jp/derukuri/d/Onward%20Watch%20Part%201%20Julia%20Louis-Dreyfus%20gomovies
https://zonkanto.localinfo.jp/posts/7758203

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